Every had that feeling you’re drifting from someone you care so much about? I’ve had that feeling more times than I’d care to share. But lately I’ve noticed it again with a really close friend of mine. She means so much to me and has changed me for the better more than anyone else I’ve ever met! Though due to her morals (which I respect her so much for having) I’ve noticed she’s becoming more isolated from the social life that me and our other friends have. I know everyone who knows me will know who this is about and I know she will to, so this is not meant to rant or bitch about anyone. This is just for me to express my feelings a little bit better (rather than just complaining to others or to her). I feel like I’m losing her a little bit… but I also think this is partly my fault as I know I’ve changed alot lately and its making the differences between is alot more prominent.
She said something to me today which really made me realise how quick this past year has gone, and more importantly, how quickly this next year is going to go. She said “Think in a few months time, I’ll be in Uni miles away from here so I’ll be missing out on more then. So get used to going to these things without me.” It took alot to not break down crying in the middle of TKMAXX and its upsetting me now just thinking about this. I’ve known her a year, and she’s one of the best friends I have ever had and I can’t imagine not being this close to her forever. So the concept of us not knowing eachother this time next year is unbearable (and i’m aware I’m making this sound as if we’re a married couple but idk).
But then all of this puts me at a cross roads… Do I go out and enjoy these things and then feel like a horrible person as I tell her how much fun I had when she asks how it was? Or do I not go and regret not going? For the past year we’ve always gone to parties together and done everything together. But she got hurt, and I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t changed her. If I could rewind time, I would go back to the night that she met him and change everything if I’d known it would make her change this much.
So by now you’re probably thinking, Shan, where the heck are you going with this? And to be honest, I don’t really know. I just wanted to write it all down and know that someone would read it( and I know she probably will but I think it’s probably better if she reads it rather than me trying to tell all this to her). I just don’t want to lose her anymore than I already have.
I know nothing can change, because she is strong and has her own moral views which I’m proud of her for! But I just hate doing things without her, it doesn’t feel the same. (and don’t take this as in a hate doing things with my other friends, I don’t. I love all my other girls and guys just as much but I know they understand how different things are without her.)
I’m sorry for this guys, I know I said the next one would be upbeat and I promise, the next one will!
I just had to write this up and I’m gonna post it now, go and watch Doctor Who and probably regret writing it in the morning.